Job Description

I’m writing this unable to sleep at nearly half one in the morning on Sunday. This is partly due to the nap I had earlier (big dinner), and partly because I’m stressing a little about work. I’ve never been very good with stress, which has never been more apparent to me than in the last two weeks, where I’ve had a sizeable chunk of the game to ‘look after’. The smallest oversight can result in a lot of pissed off co-workers, who may lose or have to redo something as a result of my carelessness – I’m essentially the go-to guy about how things should run, but I don’t really make the decisions; I just act as a mouthpiece for my boss.

This may not sound so bad, but it’s far from satisfying and can be exhausting. The team is constantly asking me questions about what the boss wants, and I have to be able to answer these confidentally; anything I don’t know for certain, I have to clarify with him. Peppering my boss with incessant questions is a pretty daunting concept, not to mention a bit impractical as he is a busy man overseeing the entire game, so isn’t always speedy with the email replies. This means I occasionally have to take a gamble and decide myself the best course of action. But I have to do this with COMPLETE CONFIDENCE, or they’re on to me in no time and they won’t act on what I say until I get it clarified… it’s ridiculous, but everyone is scared rigid of getting it wrong.

I’m not cut out for leading, at least not yet. I’ve always known this really, although it’s not an ideal way to think in regards to your own career. I’m not confident enough in my own ideas, I give in too easily and I hate the idea of having to tell people what to do, especially if they’re difficult. So a task like this is pretty much breaking me; I imagine anyone can see through me when I try to make a call on something. I have no idea if it’s right. I certainly haven’t really thought about if it’s what’s best for making the game fun – that isn’t important anymore. I’m just picking the easiest course to get it IN A BOX, because then I won’t be the one held responsible when we fall behind. And I hate thinking like that.

Every time the team suggest adding to what is in the basic design, I umm and ahh… I’m too worried about things escalating and us running out of time. Why do I care about that? It’s a producer’s job to worry about schedules, not a designer’s. I should be trying to bleed out every last drop of entertainment out of this, not just settling for what’s easy. But then there’s also the matter of it deviating from our boss’ Grand Design (TM). I don’t know what’s a bell or a whistle too far, and I don’t want to be the one held responsible for it not being what he expected.

This is just turning into something of a rant, so I apologise. But I don’t know what’s what at the moment. I’ve said before that this a job where the rules and responsibilites always change, and that’s kind of why I love it, but there are times when you have to wonder, is this really what I signed up for? Right now, I don’t really design – I’m a glorified PA. The messenger who, as we all know, is only saying what he was told to say, but will get shot anyway. It’s all the pressure of responsibility with none of the power to actually have creative input. I think that’s what stings the most.

Anyway, as always this will only be the case for a few more weeks, whereupon all the rules will change again and I’ll be doing something else. I guess you’ve got to take the good with the bad, and all that jazz. I’ll just have to grit my teeth and hope I come out the other side a little wiser… or something. On a more optimistic note, it would be interesting to hear if being a designer in other companies is anything like this – from what I’ve heard, the roles differ greatly from job to job.

Hopefully next time I ‘blog’ it’ll be with a slightly cheerier tone… but right now I’m just a wee bit knackered.